Every Picture Tells a Story

Here's a picture

Here's the story

This picture captures the first time I was able to hold and cuddle Florence. It was taken on the 3rd August 2012 a full week after the twins were born. Before then it would be hard to imagine not being able to hold your own baby for so long after birth. Let me tell you it hurt.

Still when I look at this picture it hurts.

I look into my (make up free due to crying) pained eyes and look at my almost absent smile and remember my mixed emotions of that very moment.

I am right back in NICU. I can hear the beeping and sound of alarms. The sounds used to follow me home and haunt me in my dreams.

Looking down at my tiny tiny Florence, So small I could hardly feel her on me, just a warmth against my skin amongst  the many wires, tubes, CPAP equipment and heavy IV lines. What was supposed to be a magical moment was tainted with feelings of fear... "what if Im hurting her?" Fears for what may come next or what may not?

I remember also having feelings of guilt. Owen was very poorly at the time of this picture. Owen was on a ventilator (for the first time but not the last). Owen was far away from being able to cuddle. Owen associated touch with pain.. with procedures he had to endure on a daily basis.. we were only just starting to build up to being able to touch him.. to comfort hold him (placing a steady hand on him) we had times when holding Owen seem an impossible dream.

Now don't get me wrong... holding Florence was a moment of joy.. a moment to celebrate... a moment to mother. I became to live for those cuddles. I craved them. I needed them sometimes more then Florence needed them. I have spoke about Florence being my ray of hope during the darkest days. I would hold her and feel the hope. I could then past this onto Owen.

Mainly when I look at this picture I feel that in  some ways it summaries our NICU journey, well the emotionality of It anyway. Its a journey where you can both feel Joy and Sadness, Be fearful but brave, feel despair but remain hopeful all at the very same moment. 

Every picture really can tell a story.

A day of Trains & Tests

Today Alex, myself and the twins took a train ride to London, As today was Owens appointment to attend the Eye Clinic at Great Ormond Street to have his Electrobe Diagnosis Eye Test.

We had a bit of a wait as the clinic was running over (aren't they always) but a little over a hour after our appointment time we were seen by Consultant Mr Liasis and his team. Alex tried to keep Florence occupied as I sat in a chair holding Owen facing a plasma tv screen. Little electrobes were then fixed to different positions over his head and later also under his eyes. (The Electrobes are just like ones used for a ECG)
We were then played a childrens dvd.. this one was a Maktron Singing and signing dvd about the farm... Owen seem to enjoy it.
At various intervals the dvd was interrupted with different images and patterns... mainly black and white chequerboard flashing squares alternating with a grey background. The dvd was then breifly played back on the screen... this went on for a while.
Then a big light was repeatedly flashed close to Owens face covering his left and then his right eye.

While the test was going on Alex said from where he was seating he could see one of Mr Liasis team computer screen  which was showing lots and lots of graphs. She was also making notes as the test went on.. though Alex said all he could see was her writing mainly numbers. Alex also said a camera was fliming Owen as the test was in progress.

We haven't got any results from today, As all the graphs and results need to be carefully anaysled. This can take days or weeks. The results will then be sent to Owens consultant at Watford General who will discuss and talk us through all the findings. Unfortunately this isn't till March.

Strangly Owen seemed to enjoy the day out. He loved the train from Watford Junction to Euston. Owen seemed to get real excited as we went through a tunnel or as a train sped past our train.

Shaky blurred pic taken on a very wobbly train... as you can see the excitement was too much for Florence.

Owen even seem to mind the test Itself.. flirting with all the doctors.. showing off his gorgeous smile and his cheeky laugh.

After the test had finished we walked to Kings Cross Station  to feed the babies before we set off home. Owen seemed to relish the buzz of the station and was on top form. 

 

Despite being rush hour the train journey was pretty easy as we got the fast train back. I even managed to get a seat, which was useful as Owen was qutie rightly fed up and needed a cuddle.

Best Wishes for the New Year!!!

We are now a few days into the new year and already my calender is filling up fast.

Firstly I want to wish every a very Happy New Year!!!!

Pictures of our New Years eve

I am not usually one for setting myself New Years resolutions although last year I did set myself one. It was too become a little more selfish.. remember I can say no.. and do not feel guilty about saying no.. you can't keep everyone happy all the time.. put yourself and your family first.
I think I am on my way to achieving this.

In the same spirit I have been thinking of new ones I could set.
Maybe to accept help or feel less guilty about accepting help when offered.
I definitely need to find myself some "me time" or take up something I enjoy or even finding time to escape with a book.
On the same theme maybe finding time to spend with Alex on a (very) occasional date night .. any offers of babysitters?? (Also wld help achieve point one ;-)

Im looking forward in a positive way to find more & more ways to help & support Owen to achieve even more of his milestones and inchstones. To look forward to all the suprises he will no doubt bring :-) my lil warrior! !!

I look forward to Florence continuing to flourish into a little girl and hope she maintains her fierce determination and independence.

Beth has a big year ahead. Last year in primary school with SATS on the way. Finding out what secondary school she will go to. Then starting that school in September.  Its a very scary time and I will continue to support her through the tantrums and tears as she muddles through tweenager years. I know my kind caring... cheeky and humouress girl will make me proud.

She is also the best big sister anyone could ever want xxx


Lilly will no doubt continue to relish school. My quirky funny happy girl will no doubt continue to get me in trouble with her out spokeness.

Then there is us... I think Me and Alex really really hope we can finally move into a bigger house this year. Our house is literally bursting at the seams.


What ever life brings this year.. we know that as a family we can deal with it.
We know this year will be full of tears and laughter.

Best wishes to you all.